Nurse Sasuke
by Inuyonas
Summary: The last Uchiha? He is. Rookie of the year? Been there. First Genin level S-rank rogue ninja? Done that. Kage killer? Ask Danzo. Madara reincarnated? Don't insult him. Nurse?. "Sasuke YOU HAD ONE JOB!"


**AN- Hey guys! I'm back with another collab story! now I know what you guys are thinking... **

**"Oh here goes Inuyonas starting another story that he's gonna update yearly."**

**But fear not. This story is also written by Hana-01 and she's very punctual. we're gonna be updating alot more nowadays.**

**Now before we get into the story I'm gonna post my favorite scenes from other fics mainly from Hana-01 and myself. However if you want a plug feel free to inbox me.**

**top scene of the day.**

_"So what did Shion tell you?" Naruto asked appearing besides Sasuke._

_"That you're stupid and I Should stay away from you before I catch it." Sasuke snapped_

_"Wow...You're in a Good mood." Naruto said.** -**_** From "Konoha's Cruise ship" by Hana-01**

_"Hold on a minute Jiraiya, I thought Orochimaru got rid of his penis?"_

_"He did Kisame.."_

_"THEN WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" -_ **From "The Ninja All-stars Tournament" by Hana-01**_**  
**_

_"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE?!" Hinata screamed._

_The unconscious bodies of Hyuuga clan members were sprawled out through the ball room._

_"SASUKE WHAT DID YOU DO?!" Naruto screamed._

_"WHAT?! WHY THE HELL DID YOU AUTOMATICALLY BLAME ME?!" Sasuke roared._

_"I walk into a room with the bodies of clan members laying all around and there is a conscious Uchiha in it...WHO THE HELL ELSE SHOULD I BLAME?!"_

**- From "Who did it" by Inuyonas**

_Chapter One – Sasuke and the case of the Japanese Nosebleed_

Sasuke Uchiha was on his eighth toilet break of the day. Not because he needed to go, in fact, he only really needed to go one out of the eight times. He was very much in control of his bowel and bladder movements' thank you very much. No, what he really needed was some alone time.

Minds out of the gutter pervs.

He needed an escape from his duties at Konoha hospital, from all the annoying patients and nurses and even the other healers. You know you've hit rock bottom when Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka were the people you could converse with and whose company you found pleasant. There were several grunts and splashes to be heard from the stall next door to Sasuke's and the smell that eventually pervaded his nostrils was enough to make him make a hasty exit from the bathroom and back to see his patients.

"There you are!" Sakura said, running into him in the passage, "I've been looking everywhere for you. Why did you turn your pager off?"

Sasuke just stared blankly at her. When Sasuke first learnt of his admission to be a medic nin, and that Sakura was going to be his trainer, he thought Christmas had arrived. He thought with a fangirl like her as his trainer, he could get away with anything.

How wrong he was.

Flashback…

"What the hell is this!"

"But…"

"Don't you but me! I asked what the hell is this!"

"It's a fish…"

"Yes, and what state did I want to see it in when I got back here?"

"…Alive?"

"Precisely! So why does it look even more dead than when I gave it to you?"

Sasuke assumed that one shock from his Chidori would be sufficient to shock the fish back to life. Before Sasuke could answer back he received a resounding smack across the face with that dead, scaly, slimy fish. Sasuke touched the slimy spot on his face, a mixture of shock, awe and anger on his face. He'd thought this kind of treatment by Sakura was only reserved for that blonde idiot Naruto.

After that day, and a couple of other incidences, Sasuke realised that Sakura was perhaps no longer the useless girl he had grown up with and was careful to tread carefully around her.

"You have patients waiting," Sakura told him, and hurried off again. Sasuke took his time getting back to his room where there was a line of patients. Most of them were young females. He groaned inwardly. Ever since he had been a medic here, there was an increase in the number of female patients who would come for the most trivial ailments. There were collective sighs and murmurs from all the females and some males when he entered the room.

Sasuke would have rather liked to be part of the Anbu, or even a Jonin sensei to a couple of kid ninjas, but no… Tsunade had to punish him by making him a healer. Her logic being that since he had done a lot of killing, he could make up for it by saving people's lives. If you thought that killing someone was hard, you should try trying to save a life. Now that was real stress.

"About damn time."

Sasuke looked around wearily at the reception area. That was not the voice of the sweet, timid girl who he usually made run all of errands, including his hourly coffee and donut cravings. It was Tenten.

"What the hell are you doing working reception?" he asked.

"Oh Sasumi is sick and I had some free time from my missions," she replied looking a bit too smug for Sasuke's liking. Her face seemed to say, missions like you used to get to go on before you became a traitorous slimeball who is now paying his dues.

But whatever.

Sasuke smirked back at her. It was only a matter of time that Tsunade would realise that she needed him back on the force. He still got to spar with Naruto and Lee every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday nights. At least those idiots were good for something. He spent the rest of his evenings with Sakura, slumped over a table, studying thick medical text books until he wanted to gouge out his sharingans. The most insane part was that Sakura seemed to hate it as much as he did.

What was up with that?

She would constantly complain instead of being captivated by being in his presence.

Sasuke yawned and stared outside blearily. It was such a nice evening to do some training or to just chill out for a change instead of being cooped up inside with these dusty medical texts. He looked over at Sakura who was studiously reading a book. "Hey Sakura," he said.

She looked up at him with a smile.

"Do you want to go get something to eat with me?"

Yes, he was that desperate to get outside.

She rose from her chair and walked towards him purposefully. She picked up the huge book that was open in front of him and closed it. She then proceeded to drop it onto his hand on the table. Sasuke gasped, definitely not expecting that outcome.

"After you've finished the essay on all the chakra points in the body!"

Okay then.

"There is already somebody in your office," Tenten told him, "Better get to it, kid keeps bleeding all over the place."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and walked into the office. A kid, around his age when he graduated the academy, was sitting on the bed with a reddening bunch of tissue held up to his nose by his distraught looking mother.

"Well what seems to be the problem here?" Sasuke tried to ask in the most concerned sounding voice he could muster up. A hundred and one percent of the time, he couldn't actually care less. Tsunade's plan for him to learn about empathy was a total fail. He was a ninja dammit, a ruthless killing machine, not someone who mends the bloody noses of bratty little kids.

"Oh I don't know!" the mother sobbed, "Do you think he's haemorrhaging?"

Un-freakin'-likely.

Sasuke walked over to the kid, "Let's see what is going on." He tried to sound somewhat comforting and friendly.

The boy removed the bundle of tissue and the blood trickled down slowly.

"It seems to have slowed down now! It was much, much worse when we were in the waiting room. Oh dear! Do you think he is running out of blood? Is my baby going to die?" the mother wailed.

"Uh," Sasuke looked over at the boy, took his temperature which was slightly elevated but not enough to get concerned about. He wasn't turning blue or anything so that was a good sign.

"We'll just have to take him over to the X-ray department for a scan," Sasuke told them. The mother was still crying as he led them down the hallway and into the basement area where the X-ray department was located. The boy didn't seem to be in any sort of distress, which Sasuke found curious. Very curious indeed.

"Oh hi there Sasuke," Hinata Hyuuga greeted him from behind her desk.

"Hi." This was the first time he had ever come down here. Did all the ninja females end up working here? He was not a ninja female dammit!

"Aw no, you have a little nosebleed," Hinata was speaking to the boy sweetly. She beckoned him to sit on the stool in front of her while she activated her byakugan.

"What the – you're the X-ray machine?" Sasuke asked incredulously.

Hinata laughed softly, "No, I'm just filling in because the machine is broken."

"Well, what do you see?" Sasuke asked, a little jealous of the byakugan's X-ray vision capabilities.

"Can you see through clothes with that?" the boy piped up excitedly in a nasally voice.

"Ye – wait, what?" Hinata asked.

Sasuke immediately grew suspicious of Hinata. Was she perving on him right now with those eyes?

Nah.

"Um…w-well, there is nothing wrong internally."

She stood closer to the boy and examined his nose which at that moment began to bleed more profusely. Both Hinata and the mother cried out in alarm. Sasuke looked at the boy up and down and noticed something slightly disturbing. In the boys crotch area. Using his superior Uchiha brain, he put two and two together and realised that there was nothing medically wrong with this kid at all. Sign number one, kid has overly bloody nose, sign number two, it gets worse in Sasuke's waiting room full of women, sign three, the kid asks Hinata if she can see through clothes and the bloody nose gets worse when he touched him. It was fairly obvious that he was suffering from that weak affliction males tended to get when aroused by women. Something that he himself as an Uchiha didn't suffer from of course.

No, for the millionth time he was not gay.

The kid was just a little perv entering the first stages of puberty.

Puberty couldn't be as nice to everyone as it had been to Sasuke.

After giving his diagnosis to the bewildered mother and seeing the rest of his patients, an exhausted Sasuke finally sat down in front of his desk to relax and check his e-mails. At the top of his inbox was an e-mail from an address with random letters and numbers. The subject was labelled "EXTREMELY IMPORTANT". Sasuke didn't like it when the subject line of an e-mail shouted at him in caps. But he opened it anyway. The message contained a link. Sasuke liked to pretend that he was uninterested in a lot of things, but he was secretly very curious. He clicked on the link which took him to what appeared to be a blog.

The tag line at the top read, "What are Konoha's 'finest' up to now". Sasuke scrolled down to see a photo of himself on the toilet – with his pants still on, just sitting with his head in his hands. The caption read, "The famous last surviving Uchiha and once-traitor to Konoha – is S's ninja career getting flushed down the toilet?"

Sasuke's blood boiled.

Underneath that there was another picture of him scarfing down a donut, "If S – Konoha's bad boy doesn't watch it, the hotty is gonna become a fatty."

What. The. Fuck.

There was a photo of Sakura next, pictured having a milkshake with Sai, "Has Pink S traded bad boy S for arty S?"

Under that, Naruto was pictured talking to Hinata, "Konoha's golden boy N, yum yum we all want some, but who will he choose? Pink S or shy little H?"

"The fuck is this shit?" Sasuke asked out loud, closing the site. As soon as he did that, another e-mail from the same address popped up. There was no subject but Sasuke opened it anyway, glancing over his shoulder. Only Tenten was there, but she was preoccupied with something else.

The e-mail caused Sasuke to do a double take and spill his coffee.

Not a smooth move for an Uchiha of his calibre.

"I know all of your little secrets S… yours and the rest of your little friends. I am back and ready to expose all, in more ways than one. Unless you all do as I ask. Deets to follow. Kisses – O"

Sasuke lifted his delicate Uchiha Eye brow. Apparently someone was stalking him. Seems like some things would never change in Konoha. If you're an Uchiha then you dealing with stalkers is an everyday thing. But being an Uchiha that he is, it was in his very nature to never let ANYTHING get the better of him and Sasuke had every intention of taking control of this situation.

"Ok whoever you are, you want to play mind games? You have no idea who you're dealing with." He said while activating his Eternal Mangekyou staring at the computer screen. Suddenly another email popped up from the same address. Sasuke opened it immediately.

"I in fact do know who I'm dealing with S. It is YOU who don't know who you are dealing with. Now since you're so dead set on being the typical arrogant ugly Uchiha, for my first order I want you to make Konoha's Golden boy N fall for the leaf's Gossip I. Now, if you do not complete this task in a week the consequences will be dire." ps- Turn your Sharingan off. It makes you look like you're into Dominatrix." Deets to follow. Smooches – O."

Sasuke's mouth opened in shock. How dare this person try to command him? How dare this person insinuate that Sasuke will take this sitting down? How dare this person COMMAND Sasuke to take an interest in someone else's love life? How dare this person INSULT his Brother's eye? But more importantly... HOW DARE THIS ASS HAT CALL SASUKE UCHIHA UGLY?!

-X-

A/N: Hi readers…It's O here. Now some of you may think you know who I am but you have no idea.

You may suppose it's obvious, but it's far from…

Let's have fun tormenting the inhabitants of the Hidden Leaf Village…

I have eyes everywhere.

To find out who I am, there's some things you're going to have to do – review and keep following this story!

XO – O.


End file.
